I woke up this morning with self accusation illness. That is when I wake up and start ruminating over things I've done wrong in a group and why I am inadequate and probably screwing up a whole lot of people. It is so so painful and just as bad, in my opinion, as waking up with a violent stomach flu. Ugh. Its because I started a new group that I don't really feel comfortable in. I haven't done groups for over a year and a half. I feel out of the groove.
I try to soothe my feelings by thinking of other reasons why I feel so inadequate. It's easy to blame someone or something else, but I dig deeper this morning. Trying to find peace. That is when I remember the concept of the God hole. It is an AA principle that says all of us have a God-sized hole in our hearts that can only be filled by God. My job, my husband, even my best positive self love can't really fill the hole. So I turn to God. "Please God, let me feel your love. Show me who I am. Let me see myself through your eyes." I plead. And then it comes, as it always does. My loving Father, showers His love and peace on me, His daughter. I am soothed again and immensely grateful and in awe of His tenderness toward me, unworthy soul.
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