Feeling Competent and Worthwhile

Being Competent and Worthwhile to Self and Others  

Part of having a strong identity is having our own standards of competence and meeting them. It's being able to make choices between different standards and still feel good about the results. Sometimes we blindly accept standards that our culture, the media, and other outside sources impose on us without thinking through those standards to see if they are realistic and fit our mission in life. For example, women may have unrealistic expectations of being thin, beautiful, managing their lives to perfection, and being everything to everyone; men may have unrealistic expectations of earning lots of money, having an impressive career, having the perfect wife and family, and never letting anyone see their weaknesses. When we try to live up to unrealistic expectations, or expect others to do so, we are naturally going to suffer. It can be eye opening and helpful to become aware of exactly what we expect of ourselves or our partner. One way to do this is to write out all the expectations we have for ourselves and those close to us. Making a list like this can help us see where our expectations are unrealistic or unnecessary so that we can make adjustments. 

From Victor M. Harris at http://strongermarriage.org/htm/dating/needs: 

 One of the great ways we can avoid the devastating effects of having a counterfeit or destructive relationship with ourselves is by getting rid of all the conditions we place upon ourselves, such as: I won't feel like I belong unless I'm popular, or make the football team, or become a cheerleader, or have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe we will refuse to feel worthwhile unless we get an A on a test, or get a raise at work, or wear the nicest clothes, or have the prettiest hair (in my case it is having any hair at all that concerns me). Maybe we want the nicest car or the greatest job before we will allow ourselves to feel worthwhile. These are all mind traps and we must stop them by consciously not allowing ourselves to think in this way 

As Brene Brown says, we are worthy of love and belonging NOW. Not if. Not when. 

Unclear or unrealistic expectations will also lead to lower fulfillment. Have you ever had a job where you weren't really sure what was expected of you? Lack of communication in a relationship about expectations and desires will result in random fulfillment at best.  Communication can help both of you recognize and make clear what your expectations for yourselves and each other are. As you discuss this, being sensitive to your own and your partner's social, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual capacities is important.

However, even when our expectations are clear we inevitably fail to meet all standards. A real test of our identity is how we handle failure. Can we improve in order to meet someone else's standard? Can we revise the standard if it's unrealistic? Can we deal with the failure without being jeopardized by it? In order to do this we may need to practice feeling healthy guilt without letting it turn into unhealthy shame.

Each of us has memories of experiences where we haven't lived up to our standards. If we cannot accept those memories, we spend a lot of energy keeping them pushed down out of our minds, but they're always ready to bob up again to compound a feeling of failure. To keep our sense of self-worth high, we need to be able to change and deal with the past memory through appropriate action such as talking it over with a trusted friend, having compassion and understanding for ourselves, or surrendering the failure to a Higher Power. Then we must redirect our energy into a more effective channel.