The God-Sized Hole

I woke up this morning with self accusation illness. That is when I wake up and start ruminating over things I've done wrong in a group and why I am inadequate and probably screwing up a whole lot of people. It is so so painful and just as bad, in my opinion, as waking up with a violent stomach flu. Ugh. Its because I started a new group that I don't really feel comfortable in. I haven't done groups for over a year and a half. I feel out of the groove.

I try to soothe my feelings by thinking of other reasons why I feel so inadequate. It's easy to blame someone or something else, but I dig deeper this morning. Trying to find peace. That is when I remember the concept of the God hole. It is an AA principle that says all of us have a God-sized hole in our hearts that can only be filled by God. My job, my husband, even my best positive self love can't really fill the hole. So I turn to God. "Please God, let me feel your love. Show me who I am. Let me see myself through your eyes." I plead. And then it comes, as it always does. My loving Father, showers His love and peace on me, His daughter. I am soothed again and immensely grateful and in awe of His tenderness toward me, unworthy soul.

Lovers' Quarrel

Being Right is Highly Overrated

You can be right or you can be happy, but sometimes you can't be both. That's what one of my favorite professors, John Strong, liked to say. I think about that statement a lot. I usually think about it when I am in a fight.

Like yesterday. Bryan and I were having a lovers' quarrel. I know I was right. He was just not seeing things from my point of view. It was so frustrating. 

I was in the middle of pondering how to make him treat me the way I wanted him to treat me when it hit me. You can be right or you can be happy. That was followed immediately by another horrible thought, "You can't change him," and then an even more devastating thought came right on the heels of that one, "You can only change you." 

Laaaaa (heavenly musical chords followed by bright lights breaking through the heavens). I can change me! I have total power and control over that. That feels good. 

Adult Attachment

I found this great website about adult attachment. Here is the link: http://www.center4familydevelop.com/adults.htm Read this exerpt from that website and then click on the link below to take a quick test that will help you determine your attachment style

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Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy
 for Adults and Couples

ATTACHMENT AND COUPLES

1. Adult intimate relationships are often defined by emotional responsiveness - when needs for closeness, support and security are either met or not met. Attachment security occurs when partners can provide comfort and support to one another during emotionally difficult times.
2. Attachment injuries can occur when needs for comfort, closeness and security are not met. These injuries or traumas create barriers to the ongoing security of the relationship, and result in negative emotions and a cycle of distressing interactions.
3. Partners commonly have differences in their attachment styles and internal working models (belief systems). These working models, based on past relationships, guide their current perceptions and construction of reality.
4. Attachment styles and working models, learned in our early years, can be changed. Such change can redefine the couple relationship in significant ways.
5. Adults with a history of trauma (e.g., abuse, neglect, severe loss) typically have a greater need for safe and secure relationships. However, they also have difficulty trusting their partners. Learning to create a healthy relationship provides an arena to heal old wounds and establish a meaningful bond for the future.

We are biologically organized to seek and maintain attachments with others through which we learn the lessons of love, inter-dependence and trust. The quality of our core relationships has a profound effect on our health and well-being. Studies show that the level of marital happiness is the strongest predictor of overall life satisfaction.

When we enter into relationships, both partners bring along all their unresolved conflicts, fears, hurts and expectations. There is a strong tendency to recreate abusive, neglectful, or in other ways hurtful relationships from childhood with our adult partners. These old dysfunctional patterns become indistinguishable from current emotional triggers. A stacking of emotions can occur whereby an event in a current relationship triggers the unleashing of old feelings and reactions, creating a confusion of powerful old hurts and new ones. If our emotions in a situation are disproportionate to the provocation, we are probably bringing up an old hurt. 

The tendency to unconsciously attract relationships that reenact past conflicts and beliefs is called "repetition compulsion." This drive to repeat familiar patterns, no matter how painful or self-defeating, is very powerful. For example, adult children of alcoholics frequently marry alcoholics, and an abused child with a high tolerance for maltreatment may grow up and attract high levels of stress and conflict in his/her marriage. We unconsciously are attracted to people who allow us to revisit our childhood issues in an attempt to get it right. 

To be successful in relationships, we must also learn how to blend our differences. When couples fall in love, differences are easily tolerated, and both work hard to please each other. However, as we become more familiar and the stresses of life take their toll, our best behavior is quickly eroded. Soon our little differences become annoyances and our predominant attachment style emerges. Partners commonly have different styles, which guides their attitudes and behaviors in relationships. We often attempt to change the other person to fit more comfortably with our own beliefs. This rarely works. The following is how the various adult attachment styles look in relationships. 

Attachment Styles and Relationships

Attachment styles learned in our early years can be changed. We provide appropriate corrective emotional experiences whereby more "secure" attachment styles can be learned. These modifications can redefine the couple's relationship in many significant ways. Learning to create a healthier relationship provides an arena to heal old wounds and to establish a meaningful bond for the future.

Secure Adults

Securely attached adults have the ability to connect and feel close, and also to honor their own and their partner's need for separateness. They are responsive and empathic to their partner's feelings and can easily forgive. They have appropriate boundaries and are confident, trusting and loving mates.

Avoidant Adults

Avoidant adults become physically and emotionally distant in relationships. They prefer detachment rather than connection, because of a very strong unconscious fear of dependency, which they believe will lead to rejection. They are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates. They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it. Thye do not do well disclosing feelings or being intimate. They can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them.

Ambivalent Adults

Ambivalent adults are up and down in relationships. One moment they might be available and the next rejecting. They love arguments and rarely get resolution on issues. They are over-close in relationships. Their needs are always changing, yet they expect their partners to know what their needs are and to meet them. They tend to want to control in a critical, demanding and volatile manner, yet rely on their partners to keep the family going. They are quick to blame others and can tantrum when they do not get their way. They might hit below the belt in a fight. They fight hard and play hard and are never dull, keeping their mates off guard with an unpredictable and charming nature. They need a grounded partner to keep them in check.

Disorganized Adults

Disorganized adults have chaotic relationships. They do not give love and affection easily and are unresponsive and insensitive to their partner's needs. Abuse and neglect is common in their families. They have explosive rages and lack empathy and compassion for their mates. Because of their damaging early experiences, they have a great need for safe and secure relationships, yet lack the trust in their partners to help create it.

The absence of secure attachment creates considerable distress, resulting in vulnerability to a variety of physical, emotional, social and moral problems. Attachment experiences and patterns extend into adult life, and influence: 1. feelings of security, 2. personal meaning given to experiences and relationships, 3. the ability to develop and maintain close affectional bonds, and 4. conflict and feelings of isolation commonly experienced by couples.

Here is the link to find out what your attachment style is: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Detachment

From Codependent No More by Melody Beattie pp. 62-63

"Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves the same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happily - focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.

"Detachment involves 'present moment living' - living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.

"Detachment also involves accepting reality - the facts. It requires faith - in ourselves, in God, in other people, in the natural order and destiny of things in this world. We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of conflicts. We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone.

Gardening in the Rain, by Brian Kershisnik

This is an example of what detachment isn't!

"Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and our environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.

"The rewards from detachment are great: serenity, a deep sense of peace, the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others. Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan! We each mind our own business."

Here is a tool that can be helpful in detachment. During the day, as worries, obsession, or compulsive thoughts come up, simply write them down on a sheet of paper. Once they are written down, they don't have to bounce around in your head anymore. If they come back up say to yourself, "I already wrote that down, I don't need to think about that anymore, I am going to deal with it later." Then at the end of the day, find a peaceful place where you can be alone and think, put on soothing music if that helps, and get out your list from the day. Look over your list and ask, "Is there something I can do about that tomorrow?" If there is something you can do about it, write down what you can do and put it into your agenda for tomorrow. If there is nothing you can do about it, it goes on the surrender list. After you have gone through your whole list, you take your surrender list to your Higher Power. Pour out your concerns in prayer and then ask your Higher Power to take care of those problems and to lift the burden from you. Try out this tool and see how it works for you.

It's Not Personal

From Codependent No More by Melody Beatty p. 71

Taking things personally is like taking a hammer to hurt your own hand.

We don't have to take things so personally. We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart. For instance, saying, "If you loved me you wouldn't drink" to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying "If you loved me, you wouldn't cough" to someone who has pneumonia. Pnuemonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Alchoholics will drink until they get the same. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you - they are saying they don't love themselves.

We don't have to take little things so personally either. If someone has a bad day or gets angry, don't assume it has something to do with you. It may or may not have something to do with you. If it does you'll find out. Usually things have far less to do with us than we think.

An interruption, someone else's bad mood, sharp tongue, bad day, negative thoughts, problems, or active alcoholism [addiction] does not have to run or ruin our lives, or day, or even an hour of our day. If people don't want to be with us or act healthy, it is not a reflection of our self worth. It reflects on their present circumstances. By practicing detachment we can lessen our destructive reactions to the world around us. Separate yourself from things. Leave things alone, and let people be who they are. Who are you to say that the interruption, mood, word, bad day, thought, or problem is not an important and necessary part of life? Who are you to say that this problem won't ultimately be beneficial to you or someone else?

We don't have to react. We have options. That is the joy of recovery from codependency. And each time we exercise our right to choose how we want to act, think, feel, and behave, we feel better and stronger.

Distorted Thinking

Distorted Thinking 

“Whether you are an addict or the partner of an addict, faulty beliefs can have a huge impact on how you feel about yourself. As a result, you may have a lifelong history of distorted thinking that perpetuates the addictive process for both you and your partner. When you resort to rationalization and justification, the result is that you may be living in a state of denial. Denial is what you tell yourself so that you won't have to feel pain. You may feel you won't have to deal with your own issues if you focus on people and problems outside of yourself. Distorted thinking keeps you in denial and prevents you from getting the help you need.” (from LifeSTAR Network Beginnings Phase for Partners Workbook 1, written by Dan Gray, LCSW and Todd Olson, LCSW page 13)

Here are further explanations of distorted thinking taken from this website: See if you can recognize when you're thinking is distorted. Begin to challenge your distorted thinking.

 

 *From Thoughts & Feelings by McKay, Davis, & Fanning. New Harbinger, 1981. These styles of thinking (or cognitive distortions) were gleaned from the work of several authors, including Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck, and David Burns, among others.

Gratitude Day 21

Welcome To Day #21 of 21 Days of Gratitude

Can you believe it has been three weeks since this project began?

Have you noticed specific benefits from your gratitude focus?

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” — author Melodie Beattie

Do repeat the Gratitude Survey questionnaire at http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/ and compare your results with your initial survey response.

This quotation sums up the theme of our project. Do you agree?

“Gratitude is the most passionate transformative force in the cosmos. If you give thanks for five gifts every day, in two months you may not look at your life in the same way as you might now.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

If you quit somewhere along the way, don't worry, you aren't behind! Gratitude is a life-long project. :)