Detachment

From Codependent No More by Melody Beattie pp. 62-63

"Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves the same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happily - focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.

"Detachment involves 'present moment living' - living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.

"Detachment also involves accepting reality - the facts. It requires faith - in ourselves, in God, in other people, in the natural order and destiny of things in this world. We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of conflicts. We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone.

Gardening in the Rain, by Brian Kershisnik

This is an example of what detachment isn't!

"Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and our environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.

"The rewards from detachment are great: serenity, a deep sense of peace, the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others. Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan! We each mind our own business."

Here is a tool that can be helpful in detachment. During the day, as worries, obsession, or compulsive thoughts come up, simply write them down on a sheet of paper. Once they are written down, they don't have to bounce around in your head anymore. If they come back up say to yourself, "I already wrote that down, I don't need to think about that anymore, I am going to deal with it later." Then at the end of the day, find a peaceful place where you can be alone and think, put on soothing music if that helps, and get out your list from the day. Look over your list and ask, "Is there something I can do about that tomorrow?" If there is something you can do about it, write down what you can do and put it into your agenda for tomorrow. If there is nothing you can do about it, it goes on the surrender list. After you have gone through your whole list, you take your surrender list to your Higher Power. Pour out your concerns in prayer and then ask your Higher Power to take care of those problems and to lift the burden from you. Try out this tool and see how it works for you.

It's Not Personal

From Codependent No More by Melody Beatty p. 71

Taking things personally is like taking a hammer to hurt your own hand.

We don't have to take things so personally. We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart. For instance, saying, "If you loved me you wouldn't drink" to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying "If you loved me, you wouldn't cough" to someone who has pneumonia. Pnuemonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Alchoholics will drink until they get the same. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you - they are saying they don't love themselves.

We don't have to take little things so personally either. If someone has a bad day or gets angry, don't assume it has something to do with you. It may or may not have something to do with you. If it does you'll find out. Usually things have far less to do with us than we think.

An interruption, someone else's bad mood, sharp tongue, bad day, negative thoughts, problems, or active alcoholism [addiction] does not have to run or ruin our lives, or day, or even an hour of our day. If people don't want to be with us or act healthy, it is not a reflection of our self worth. It reflects on their present circumstances. By practicing detachment we can lessen our destructive reactions to the world around us. Separate yourself from things. Leave things alone, and let people be who they are. Who are you to say that the interruption, mood, word, bad day, thought, or problem is not an important and necessary part of life? Who are you to say that this problem won't ultimately be beneficial to you or someone else?

We don't have to react. We have options. That is the joy of recovery from codependency. And each time we exercise our right to choose how we want to act, think, feel, and behave, we feel better and stronger.