Adult Attachment

I found this great website about adult attachment. Here is the link: http://www.center4familydevelop.com/adults.htm Read this exerpt from that website and then click on the link below to take a quick test that will help you determine your attachment style

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Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy
 for Adults and Couples

ATTACHMENT AND COUPLES

1. Adult intimate relationships are often defined by emotional responsiveness - when needs for closeness, support and security are either met or not met. Attachment security occurs when partners can provide comfort and support to one another during emotionally difficult times.
2. Attachment injuries can occur when needs for comfort, closeness and security are not met. These injuries or traumas create barriers to the ongoing security of the relationship, and result in negative emotions and a cycle of distressing interactions.
3. Partners commonly have differences in their attachment styles and internal working models (belief systems). These working models, based on past relationships, guide their current perceptions and construction of reality.
4. Attachment styles and working models, learned in our early years, can be changed. Such change can redefine the couple relationship in significant ways.
5. Adults with a history of trauma (e.g., abuse, neglect, severe loss) typically have a greater need for safe and secure relationships. However, they also have difficulty trusting their partners. Learning to create a healthy relationship provides an arena to heal old wounds and establish a meaningful bond for the future.

We are biologically organized to seek and maintain attachments with others through which we learn the lessons of love, inter-dependence and trust. The quality of our core relationships has a profound effect on our health and well-being. Studies show that the level of marital happiness is the strongest predictor of overall life satisfaction.

When we enter into relationships, both partners bring along all their unresolved conflicts, fears, hurts and expectations. There is a strong tendency to recreate abusive, neglectful, or in other ways hurtful relationships from childhood with our adult partners. These old dysfunctional patterns become indistinguishable from current emotional triggers. A stacking of emotions can occur whereby an event in a current relationship triggers the unleashing of old feelings and reactions, creating a confusion of powerful old hurts and new ones. If our emotions in a situation are disproportionate to the provocation, we are probably bringing up an old hurt. 

The tendency to unconsciously attract relationships that reenact past conflicts and beliefs is called "repetition compulsion." This drive to repeat familiar patterns, no matter how painful or self-defeating, is very powerful. For example, adult children of alcoholics frequently marry alcoholics, and an abused child with a high tolerance for maltreatment may grow up and attract high levels of stress and conflict in his/her marriage. We unconsciously are attracted to people who allow us to revisit our childhood issues in an attempt to get it right. 

To be successful in relationships, we must also learn how to blend our differences. When couples fall in love, differences are easily tolerated, and both work hard to please each other. However, as we become more familiar and the stresses of life take their toll, our best behavior is quickly eroded. Soon our little differences become annoyances and our predominant attachment style emerges. Partners commonly have different styles, which guides their attitudes and behaviors in relationships. We often attempt to change the other person to fit more comfortably with our own beliefs. This rarely works. The following is how the various adult attachment styles look in relationships. 

Attachment Styles and Relationships

Attachment styles learned in our early years can be changed. We provide appropriate corrective emotional experiences whereby more "secure" attachment styles can be learned. These modifications can redefine the couple's relationship in many significant ways. Learning to create a healthier relationship provides an arena to heal old wounds and to establish a meaningful bond for the future.

Secure Adults

Securely attached adults have the ability to connect and feel close, and also to honor their own and their partner's need for separateness. They are responsive and empathic to their partner's feelings and can easily forgive. They have appropriate boundaries and are confident, trusting and loving mates.

Avoidant Adults

Avoidant adults become physically and emotionally distant in relationships. They prefer detachment rather than connection, because of a very strong unconscious fear of dependency, which they believe will lead to rejection. They are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates. They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it. Thye do not do well disclosing feelings or being intimate. They can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them.

Ambivalent Adults

Ambivalent adults are up and down in relationships. One moment they might be available and the next rejecting. They love arguments and rarely get resolution on issues. They are over-close in relationships. Their needs are always changing, yet they expect their partners to know what their needs are and to meet them. They tend to want to control in a critical, demanding and volatile manner, yet rely on their partners to keep the family going. They are quick to blame others and can tantrum when they do not get their way. They might hit below the belt in a fight. They fight hard and play hard and are never dull, keeping their mates off guard with an unpredictable and charming nature. They need a grounded partner to keep them in check.

Disorganized Adults

Disorganized adults have chaotic relationships. They do not give love and affection easily and are unresponsive and insensitive to their partner's needs. Abuse and neglect is common in their families. They have explosive rages and lack empathy and compassion for their mates. Because of their damaging early experiences, they have a great need for safe and secure relationships, yet lack the trust in their partners to help create it.

The absence of secure attachment creates considerable distress, resulting in vulnerability to a variety of physical, emotional, social and moral problems. Attachment experiences and patterns extend into adult life, and influence: 1. feelings of security, 2. personal meaning given to experiences and relationships, 3. the ability to develop and maintain close affectional bonds, and 4. conflict and feelings of isolation commonly experienced by couples.

Here is the link to find out what your attachment style is: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Detachment

From Codependent No More by Melody Beattie pp. 62-63

"Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves the same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happily - focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.

"Detachment involves 'present moment living' - living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.

"Detachment also involves accepting reality - the facts. It requires faith - in ourselves, in God, in other people, in the natural order and destiny of things in this world. We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of conflicts. We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone.

Gardening in the Rain, by Brian Kershisnik

This is an example of what detachment isn't!

"Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and our environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.

"The rewards from detachment are great: serenity, a deep sense of peace, the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others. Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan! We each mind our own business."

Here is a tool that can be helpful in detachment. During the day, as worries, obsession, or compulsive thoughts come up, simply write them down on a sheet of paper. Once they are written down, they don't have to bounce around in your head anymore. If they come back up say to yourself, "I already wrote that down, I don't need to think about that anymore, I am going to deal with it later." Then at the end of the day, find a peaceful place where you can be alone and think, put on soothing music if that helps, and get out your list from the day. Look over your list and ask, "Is there something I can do about that tomorrow?" If there is something you can do about it, write down what you can do and put it into your agenda for tomorrow. If there is nothing you can do about it, it goes on the surrender list. After you have gone through your whole list, you take your surrender list to your Higher Power. Pour out your concerns in prayer and then ask your Higher Power to take care of those problems and to lift the burden from you. Try out this tool and see how it works for you.

It's Not Personal

From Codependent No More by Melody Beatty p. 71

Taking things personally is like taking a hammer to hurt your own hand.

We don't have to take things so personally. We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart. For instance, saying, "If you loved me you wouldn't drink" to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying "If you loved me, you wouldn't cough" to someone who has pneumonia. Pnuemonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Alchoholics will drink until they get the same. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you - they are saying they don't love themselves.

We don't have to take little things so personally either. If someone has a bad day or gets angry, don't assume it has something to do with you. It may or may not have something to do with you. If it does you'll find out. Usually things have far less to do with us than we think.

An interruption, someone else's bad mood, sharp tongue, bad day, negative thoughts, problems, or active alcoholism [addiction] does not have to run or ruin our lives, or day, or even an hour of our day. If people don't want to be with us or act healthy, it is not a reflection of our self worth. It reflects on their present circumstances. By practicing detachment we can lessen our destructive reactions to the world around us. Separate yourself from things. Leave things alone, and let people be who they are. Who are you to say that the interruption, mood, word, bad day, thought, or problem is not an important and necessary part of life? Who are you to say that this problem won't ultimately be beneficial to you or someone else?

We don't have to react. We have options. That is the joy of recovery from codependency. And each time we exercise our right to choose how we want to act, think, feel, and behave, we feel better and stronger.

Distorted Thinking

Distorted Thinking 

“Whether you are an addict or the partner of an addict, faulty beliefs can have a huge impact on how you feel about yourself. As a result, you may have a lifelong history of distorted thinking that perpetuates the addictive process for both you and your partner. When you resort to rationalization and justification, the result is that you may be living in a state of denial. Denial is what you tell yourself so that you won't have to feel pain. You may feel you won't have to deal with your own issues if you focus on people and problems outside of yourself. Distorted thinking keeps you in denial and prevents you from getting the help you need.” (from LifeSTAR Network Beginnings Phase for Partners Workbook 1, written by Dan Gray, LCSW and Todd Olson, LCSW page 13)

Here are further explanations of distorted thinking taken from this website: See if you can recognize when you're thinking is distorted. Begin to challenge your distorted thinking.

 

 *From Thoughts & Feelings by McKay, Davis, & Fanning. New Harbinger, 1981. These styles of thinking (or cognitive distortions) were gleaned from the work of several authors, including Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck, and David Burns, among others.

Gratitude Day 21

Welcome To Day #21 of 21 Days of Gratitude

Can you believe it has been three weeks since this project began?

Have you noticed specific benefits from your gratitude focus?

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” — author Melodie Beattie

Do repeat the Gratitude Survey questionnaire at http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/ and compare your results with your initial survey response.

This quotation sums up the theme of our project. Do you agree?

“Gratitude is the most passionate transformative force in the cosmos. If you give thanks for five gifts every day, in two months you may not look at your life in the same way as you might now.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

If you quit somewhere along the way, don't worry, you aren't behind! Gratitude is a life-long project. :)

Gratitude Day 20

Welcome To Day #20 of 21 Days of Gratitude

Tanya here, I substituted another site for the original content of this day. We are almost done with the 21 days of gratitude! I thought after reading all the content from the past 19 days some of you would like to know what the LDS Church has to say about gratitude. The link below is from the official website for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

http://lds.org/topic/gratitude/

Action steps for today:

1) Continue your list of 5 things you are grateful for in your Gratitude Journal

Gratitude Day 19

Welcome To Day #19 of 21 Days of Gratitude

Welcome To Day #19 of 21 Days of Gratitude

Here is a quotation to ponder.

“When you thank God in advance for that which you choose to experience in your reality, you, in effect, acknowledge that it is there - in effect. Thankfulness is thus the most powerful statement to God; an affirmation that even before you ask, I have answered. Therefore never supplicate, Appreciate.” — Neale Donald Walsch inConversations with God, Book 1

Watch this uplifting video about the transforming power of Thank You notes

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7279317n

And continue your daily list of 5 things that you are grateful for in your Gratitude Journal

Gratitude Day 18

Welcome To Day #18 of 21 Days of Gratitude

Begin and end each day with appreciation

We began this 21-day even by affirming that the teachers of “The Secret” have emphasized that “gratitude” is a powerful accelerant of the law of attraction.

Today’s message is directly from the “Secret behind the Secret” authors - Abraham-Hicks.

Abraham’s encouragement: Begin and end each day with appreciation

“We want to give you this affirmation: Today, no matter where I’m going, and no matter what I’m doing, and no matter who I am doing it with, it is my dominant intent to look for good feeling things.”

And if we were standing in any of your physical shoes we would put ourselves in bed tonight and we would lie there in an attitude of appreciation.

We would think about this day. We would think about our children. We would think about the earth. We would think about lakes.  We would think about flowers and kittens…

We would think about whatever it is that makes you feel good when you think about it and we would let that be the tone in which we would go to sleep…

And when you awaken, lie in your bed…and reach for the feeling of appreciation that you set in motion before you went to sleep.

Then lie in bed and deliberately appreciate a little more.

Not too long. A minute or two. Lie there and appreciate - don’t force it - just lie there and appreciate…

And before you jump into the day…go to a place and sit deliberately for 15 minutes with the deliberate intention of bringing yourself (through prayer, through mediation, through the quieting of your mind) into alignment with the fullness of who you are

And once you have achieved that feeling - if only for two or three minutes - you have set your day into the most supreme unfolding that is possible.

And when you come out of (prayers and) meditation go right into thoughts of appreciation…

And if you will follow that process for just a handful of days thirty, really, at the outside)

~ you will adjust your set-point of happiness

~ you will change your point of attraction

~ you will get off on the right foot every day of your life experience

and you will begin to discover that your point of attraction has shifted so dramatically that people who know you will begin asking you, ‘what is your secret?’

and you will say ‘I am deliberately setting the tone of everyday before I go to bed the night before and I am awakening into alignment with who I am.

I am starting my day out every day seeing the world through the eyes of (God).

And then say, and ‘I’ve got to tell you, it is a beautiful world.”    Abraham-Hicks, San Antonio, 9/8/07

Action Steps Today:

1) Ponder the following quote below:

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we  have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to  clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

2) Continue your daily list of 5 things that you are grateful for in your Gratitude Journal.

Appreciatively,

Elyse

Gratitude Day 17

Welcome To Day #17 of 21 Days of Gratitude

A Life-Changing Gratitude Assignment.

Martin Seligman, PhD (author of “Authentic Happiness“) is credited as being the founder of the Positive Psychology movement.

Prior to his tenure as President of the American Psychological Association (in 1998), psychology, as a discipline, limited its focus to the disease model of studying dysfunctional behavior.

The message of “Authentic Happiness” is that by identifying the very best in ourselves, we can improve the world around us and achieve new and sustainable levels of authentic contentment, gratification and meaning.

This is how Martin Seligman describes teaching his classes at the University of Pennsylvania:

“I have been teaching psychology courses at the University of Pennsylvania for more than thirty years: introductory psychology, learning, motivation, clinical and abnormal psychology. I love teaching, but I have never experienced more joy than in teaching Positive Psychology for the last four years. One of the reasons is that, unlike the other courses I teach, there are real world assignments that are meaningful and even life-changing.”

Today we invite you to experience the most profound of all the exercises that Dr. Seligman assigns his students.

Today’s action steps:

1) Gratitude Notes

This is how Martin Seligman explains the process:

“Select one important person from your past who made a major positive difference in your life and to whom you have never fully expressed your thanks. (Do not confound this selection with newfound romantic love, or with the possibility of future gain.) Write a testimonial just long enough to cover one laminated page. Take your time composing this; my students and I found ourselves taking several weeks, composing on buses and as we fell asleep at night. Invite that person to your home, or travel to that person’s home. It is important you do this face to face, not just in writing or on the phone. Do not tell the person the purpose of the visit in advance; a simple “I just want to see you” will suffice. Wine and cheese do not matter, but bring a laminated version of your testimonial with you as a gift. When all settles down, read your testimonial aloud slowly, with expression, and with eye contact. Then let the other person react unhurriedly. Reminisce together about the concrete events that make this person so important to
you. (If you are so moved, please do send me a copy at seligman@psych.upenn.edu.)”

2) Dr. Seligman would also encourage you to continue your daily list of 5 things that you are grateful for in your Gratitude Journal 

Elyse Hope Killoran
President,  Prosperity from the Inside-Out

Gratitude Day 16

Welcome To Day #16 of 21 Days of Gratitude

“When you start to feel grateful for what you already have, you will start to attract more of the good things — more of the things you can be grateful for.” — Dr. Joe Vitale in “The Secret”

There’s no beating around the bush here.

The law of attraction ensures that what you put out comes back to you.

If you send out energetic messages of scarcity and limitation, the Universe will have no choice but to mirror back to you experiences that leave you feeling lack.

If, on the other hand, you deliberately send out energetic messages of gratitude and abundance, the Universe will fall over itself to drop reflections of wealth (in all forms) at your feet.

So, from a metaphysical perspective, gratitude and appreciation are the wisest investments one can make.
(This is also why financial institutions refer to things that increase in value as “appreciating”.)

Today’s action steps:

1) Do you agree or disagree with this quotation below? “What you put out comes back. The more you sincerely appreciate life from the heart, the more the magnetic energy of appreciation attracts fulfilling life experiences to you, both personally and professionally.” — Doc Childre and Sara Paddison

2) Continue your daily list of 5 things that you are grateful for in your Gratitude Journal

Enjoying this exploration with you!

Elyse Hope Killoran
President, Prosperity from the Inside-Out
http://www.choosingprosperity.com

Gratitude Day 15

Welcome To Day #15 of 21 Days of Gratitude

(Tanya here - I substituted something else for this day because it was a little weak.)

“Gratitude is the key to open the human heart” - John Demartini from “The Secret”

Showing gratitude for the 'little things' in relationships can boost feelings of happiness and romance, researchers discovered last year. Appreciating daily gestures has the ability to add meaning to the lives of both people and helps the relationship flourish. 

Experts from the University of North Carolina in the U.S. studied how couples behave when responding to nice gestures. They found that simply doing something for somebody else does not automatically generate feelings of gratitude. Instead, people can feel indebted or not notice the exchange at all. In fact, nearly half (48.8%) of the time, thoughtful acts by one partner went undetected by the other partner! (Can you believe that?!! Sad.) The study found that partners recognized kind acts by the other partner only half of the time. Yet those who respond in a positive way and show gratitude can expect greater feelings of satisfaction about the relationship. Their partners feel better, too.

'Men and women with grateful partners felt more connected to the partner and more satisfied with the romantic relationship,' said the authors, writing in the journal Personal Relationships. 'A response of gratitude for "everyday" interpersonal gestures can be a powerful mechanism for relationship growth.' The effects on the relationship were noticed even the day after the gratitude was expressed.

The authors of the study claim that gratitude may be beneficial for relationships that are on the rocks, or in a context where people already have solid and satisfied relationships -- a little gratitude may go a long way toward maintaining the connection. By temporarily changing the perspective on the relationship, everyday gratitude may work as a booster shot for ongoing romantic relationships.

They concluded: 'The little things may make a big difference within the daily lives of individuals in romantic relationships. 'Gratitude may help to turn "ordinary" moments into opportunities for relationship growth, even in the context of already close, communal relations.' So the bottom line is, make sure you are recognizing when your partner or other loved one does small kindnesses for you and make a point of choosing to show gratitude. It will lead to better relationships.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1280775/Gratitude-little-things-boosts-feelings-romance-happiness-research-finds.html#ixzz1YPumJyVE

Today’s action steps:

1) Continue your daily list of 5 things that you are grateful for in your Gratitude Journal.

2) Make a list of everyday thoughtful things your partner or someone close to you has done for you today and find a way to express gratitude to that person.

Gratitude Day 14

Welcome To Day #14 of 21 Days of Gratitude

 (the above link will take you to the original website for the 21 Days of Gratitude Project)

Welcome To Day #14 of 21 Days of Gratitude
Today we consider the power of expressing appreciation and initiating a chain of positive energy.

“The Word ‘appreciation’ means to be thankful and express admiration, approval or gratitude. It also means to grow or appreciate in value. As you appreciate life, you become more valuable - both to yourself and others.” — Sara Paddison in The Hidden Power of the Heart: Discovering an Unlimited Source of Intelligence


You can explore this concept further in an entertaining video format at: http://www.appreciationmovie.com

Today’s action steps…

1) Make a concerted effort today to express a message of appreciation for everyone with whom you interact.

2) Continue your daily list of 5 things that you are grateful for in your Gratitude Journal

Appreciating you!
Elyse Hope Killoran
President, Prosperity from the Inside-Out
http://www.choosingprosperity.com

Gratitude Day 13

Welcome To Day #13 of 21 Days of Gratitude

Here is a quotation to ponder.

“If you would stop analyzing everything and just look for things to appreciate; in other words, if you could just decide to play that game, look for things to appreciate, you would live happily ever after.” — Wisdom of Abrahamhttp://www.abraham-hicks.com

I ALWAYS FIND WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR …

… so instead of looking for reasons to feel bad, I’m always looking for things that make me feel fabulous, looking for things to rock my world, looking for things to surprise and thrill me, looking for things to appreciate greatly, looking for ways to make everything fun, looking for even more reasons to flow my love. ~ from the author of 500 Confessions

Gratitude Day 12

Welcome To Day #12 of 21 Days of Gratitude

Here is a quotation to ponder.

“…For example, many people are waiting for prosperity. It cannot come in the future. When you honor, acknowledge, and fully accept your present reality - where you are, who you are, what you are doing right now - when you fully accept what you have got, you are grateful for what you have got, grateful for what is, grateful for Being. Gratitude for the present moment and the fullness of life now is true prosperity. It cannot come in the future. Then, in time, that prosperity manifests for you in various ways.” — from The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle

For more on the topic of staying in the present moment, here is an excerpt from The Screwtape Letters,Chapter 15, by C.S. Lewis. If you are unfamiliar with this book, it is a series of letters written by a devil named Screwtape to his apprentice devil named Wormwood regarding the best way to destroy the soul of a man whom they call their "patient". When the devil refers to the "Enemy" he is talking about God. You can find this complete book  free online here: http://www.freebooks2u.com/fantasticfiction/The-Screwtape-Letters.html  

"The humans live in time but our Enemy destines them to eternity. He therefore, I believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have an experience analogous to the experience which our Enemy [God] has of reality as a whole; in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them. He would therefore have them continually concerned either with eternity (which means being concerned with Him) or with the Present - either meditating on their eternal union with, or separation from, Himself, or else obeying the present voice of conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure.

"Our business is to get them away from the eternal, and from the Present. With this in view, we sometimes tempt a human (say a widow or a scholar) to live in the Past. But this is of limited value, for they have some real knowledge of the past and it has a determinate nature and, to that extent, resembles eternity . . . It is far better to make them live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities. In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most completely temporal part of time - for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays.  . . . Hence nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead. Do not think lust an exception. When the present pleasure arrives, the sin (which alone interests us) is already over. The pleasure is just the part of the process which we regret and would exclude if we could do so without losing the sin; it is the part contributed by the Enemy, and therefore experienced in a Present. The sin, which is our contribution, looked forward.

"To be sure, the Enemy wants men to think of the Future too - just so much as is necessary for now planning the acts of justice or charity which will probably be their duty tomorrow. The duty of planning the morrow's work is today's duty; though its material is borrowed from the future, the duty, like all duties, is in the Present. This is not straw splitting. He does not want men to give the Future their hearts, to place their treasure in it. We do. His ideal is a man who, having worked all day for the good of posterity (if that is his vocation), washes his mind of the whole subject, commits the issue to Heaven, and returns at once to the patience or gratitude demanded by the moment that is passing over him. But we want a man hag-ridden by the Future - haunted by visions of an imminent heaven or hell upon earth - ready to break the Enemy's commands in the present if by so doing we make him think he can attain the one or avert the other - dependent for his faith on the success or failure of schemes whose end he will not live to see. We [the devils] want a whole race perpetually in pursuit of the rainbow's end, never honest, nor kind, nor happy now, but always using as mere fuel wherewith to heap the altar of the future every real gift which is offered them in the Present.
Are you heaping your present gifts to be wasted on the altar of the future?
Continue your daily list of 5 things that you are grateful for in your Gratitude Journal.

If you want even more awesome goodness about living in the present moment, I highly recommend that you watch this TED talk 

http://www.ted.com/talks/srikumar_rao_plug_into_your_hard_wired_happiness.html

Gratitude Day 11

Welcome to Day #11 of 21 Days of Gratitude   

(Today's post is a compilation from the original 21 Days of Gratitude Project and other additional websites.)

Today we invite you to focus on a wonderful way that you can use “gratitude” to activate your body’s natural relaxation response.

Savor: To appreciate fully; enjoy or relish.

Or, another way of stating it, Mindfulness + Gratitude = Savoring

The choice to slow down, to “savor” something, must be made consciously.  But–once you do–the benefits become very apparent.

You see - stress and happiness cannot co-exist.

Savoring (from http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/five-pathways-to-happiness/)
"This is “being in the moment, smelling the roses and tasting your coffee,” Siegel said. It’s savoring everyday moments. Mindfulness helps us learn how to savor situations.
Mindfulness involves “training the mind to be more in the present moment,” and to “be open to whatever is happening each moment,” according to Siegel, who’s also a mindfulness expert and author of The Mindfulness Solution: Everyday Practices for Everyday Problems.

savoringpresent participle of sa·vor (Verb)

Verb:

Taste (good food or drink) and enjoy it completely. Enjoy or appreciate (something pleasant) completely, esp. by dwelling on it.

More info »Merriam-Webster - The Free Dictionary

In fact, mindfulness supports each pathway to happiness. Many people have a narrow definition of mindfulness, such as you must banish all thoughts from your mind and become a blank slate. But being mindful is as simple as bringing your attention to walking, instead of continuing to get lost in thoughts about your to-list and what happened yesterday, Siegel said.

This is a skill that you can practice with various exercises. “The same way you can develop physical fitness, you can develop psychological fitness,” Siegel said. Mindfulness exercises help people step out of your thoughts and be fully engaged in the here and now. You can download or play many meditations that can help you to develop mindfulness on Siegel’s website.



According to recent research, we spend almost 47 percent of our time “mind-wandering,” or having thoughts about something other than what we’re currently doing. And this makes us unhappy.
“In fact, how often our minds leave the present and where they tend to go is a better predictor of our happiness than the activities in which we are engaged,” said Matthew A. Killingsworth, one of the study’s researchers, in a statement.

Even something as tedious as shoveling snow can make us feel happy, if we’re fully engaged in it, (savoring) Siegel said. In the same way, something as pleasant as talking to a friend, if your mind is wandering, won’t make you happy."

So, as soon as you find yourself “savoring” something (anything), you have shifted your energy in a powerfully positive way.

Action Steps for this week:

1) We’d invite you to make a commitment to yourself that, a half-dozen times over this coming weekend, you will bring yourself into present moment awareness while you look for opportunities to “savor.”

~ Savor the beauty in the sights aroung you.
~ Really pay attention to the sounds in your environment.
~ Be mindful regarding the family rituals that are most meaningful to you and/or create new ways for your family to relax and savor time together.

As Bonnie Snyder of http://www.serenitypathways.com explains, “Happiness comes from focusing in the moment. That is the magic of savoring.”


2) Mindfulness + Gratitude = Savoring

3) Continue your daily list of 5 things that you are grateful for in your Gratitude Journal.

Elyse

Gratitude Day 10

Welcome To Day #10 of 21 Days of Gratitude 

(the above link will take you to the original website for the 21 Days of Gratitude)

Advanced Appreciation
On Day 8 we suggested that, in addition to your daily gratitude journaling in your Gratitude Journal, you also begin playing “The Appreciation Game”.

And we promised that we would reveal more about the benefits of appreciation in one of this week’s posts.
Let us begin with this quote:

“Appreciation is a powerfully magnetic energy that helps you see the wider picture faster. As you appreciate, you see more and understand more. On an energy level, it brings intuitive breakthroughs and helps you realize God is within you. Appreciation magnetizes you to the Universal flow. When you sincerely appreciate what you have in life, you magnetize more of your heart’s desires. Mathematically speaking, if people spent half as much time appreciating what they have as they do complaining about what they don’t have, life would have to get better.” — Sara Paddison in The Hidden Power of the Heart: Discovering an Unlimited Source of Intelligence



This is why we adore playing “The Appreciation Game.”  (Did you give it a whirl yourself yet?)
There are numerous benefits of this game:

1) When you focus on aspects that you appreciate, you shift the energy around the thing that you are appreciating in a positive upward spiral.

2) You’ll also gain practice and strengthen your “appreciating” muscles (so that you’ll experience  the energy of “gratitude” and “appreciation” more naturally and more often.)

3) In addition, you’ll simply feel better — and that energy will expand into other areas of your life.
And, if that is not enough…

4) The energy of appreciation can also be used as a tool for transformation.
(Here we are moving into metaphysical territory - but stay with me for the logic of this…)
“When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears.” — Anthony Robbins

Today we have an advanced “appreciation” exercise for you so that you can discern the transformative power for yourself.

Today when you play the Appreciation Game (after you journal in your Gratitude Journal) we want to encourage you to also begin playing “The Appreciation Game” in a new way…

Today you will write three sentences to apply appreciation in three different ways.

Sentence 1: “What I like about _____ is…” regarding a situation (person, experience, or opportunity) that is going well for you. (Remember - what you focus on will expand.)

Sentence 2: “What I like about _____ is…” regarding a situation (person, experience, or opportunity) that you would like to see show up for you in a new, bigger way. (This way you will be sending out positive, expectant energy in advance around a topic that is important to you.)

For example: if you are wanting to attract more money, focus on the positive aspects of the experiences of abundance that you have right now. If you are wanting to develop new nurturing and healthy friendships, focus on the positive aspects of all of the wonderful friends you have had in the past (only their positive qualities), focus on the positive aspects of the people in your life right now (love surrounds you) and find positive aspects of all the new people you meet. This will create a vacuum that the Universe will have to fill.

Sentence 3: “What I like about _____ is….” regarding a situation (person, experience, or opportunity) that is NOT going well for you so that you can turn the tides and begin the creation in a positive direction.

Unleash the transformative power of appreciation today.



Elyse Hope Killoran
President,  Prosperity from the Inside-Out

Gratitude Day 9

Welcome To Day #9 of 21 Days of Gratitude

(the link above will take you to the original website)

A Testimonial for Gratitude by Max Wellspring

‘If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.’ — Meister Eckhart

During any given day what do you focus on with your thinking? The average person thinks about 15,000 thoughts per day and anywhere rom 80% to 90% of those thoughts are the same ones day in and day out. What would happen then if we consciously began to focus those thoughts on being thankful, even when life is challenging?

... simply being thankful without attachment to outcome makes you incredibly magnetic and dissolves any resistance to the steady and unrestricted flow of what you want in your life. In fact, one of the most powerful ways of expressing gratitude is to have the faith to be thankful for what you want as if you already had it…with a deep knowing that what you want is already given... That which you want is seeking you. When we are aware of this, thanking (our Higher Power) should be the first thing we do - rather than the last.

In Neale Donald Walsch’s book, Friendship with God, it says that “gratitude can be the fastest form of healing.” Just remembering to be thankful in the moment can shift or pivot the emotions of fear, anger, frustration, depression, or sadness to a lighter feeling state. Even more profound healing can occur when we have the courage to be grateful for even the worst that happens. To no longer see your life circumstances as a problem, to see every person and every situation as a gift and as guidance from (God) is to step through the doorway to deep compassion for yourself and others. With this perspective, it would be impossible to believe that you are separate, alone or a victim. You are powerfully connected... Life becomes an adventure in which everything is a miracle to be celebrated.

Finally, just to know these principles is not enough. Actually living and breathing gratitude ‘walking the talk of it’ takes it from just another intellectual concept and makes it come alive in you. In her book, Simple Abundance, Sarah Ban Breathnach felt that, without gratitude, all the other benefits of simplicity, order, joy, prosperity, beauty and harmony “would not bloom and flourish.”

The results of a study on gratitude http://www.acfnewsource.org/religion/gratitude_theory.html, indicated that “…daily gratitude exercises resulted in higher reported levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, optimism and energy. Additionally, the gratitude group experienced less depression and stress, was more likely to help others, exercised more regularly and made more progress toward personal goals. According to the findings, people who feel grateful are also more likely to feel loved. The researchers also noted that gratitude encouraged a positive cycle of reciprocal kindness among people since one act of gratitude encourages another.”

So now that we know all of the benefits of gratitude, I invite you to be grateful whenever and wherever you can. Choose to have a good portion of your 15,000 thoughts today be focused on thanksgiving. Bless your life and it will bless you. This is Grace.

By Max Wellspring http://www.thewellspringsolution.com

Today’s action steps:

1) Listen to this guided meditation on Gratitude with Dr. Deepak Chopra http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIXIwdhOmSM (2:43 minutes long) 

2) Continue your daily list of 5 things that you are grateful for in your Gratitude Journal.

Choosing Gratitude!

Elyse

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Gratitude Day 8

Welcome To Day #8 of 21 Days of Gratitude

(the link above will take you to the original website where this post was taken from)

I promised that I would be blending information from hard sciences along with insights from metaphysics in our daily gratitude messages.

With this in mind, can you discern who (a scientist or a spiritual philosopher) might have said the following?

"You have — within you — the fuel to thrive and to flourish, and to leave this world in better shape than you found it. Sometimes you tap into this fuel - other times you don’t. But the sad fact is that most people have no idea how to tap into this fuel or even recognize it when they do. Where is this fuel within you?

You tap into it whenever you feel energized and excited by new ideas.
You tap into it whenever you feel at one with your surroundings, at peace.
You tap into it whenever you feel playful, creative, or silly.
You tap into it whenever you feel your soul stirred by the sheer beauty of existence.
You tap into it whenever you feel connected to others and loved.

In short, you tap into it whenever positive emotions resonate within you."

Would it surprise you to learn that the mission statement above is copied directly from the web site for “The Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill”? (Site: http://www.unc.edu/peplab )

Purpose statement for the Lab:

“Our goal is to uncover the universal recipe for human flourishing and to give this recipe as a gift to the world. Our science to date tells us that genuine positive emotions may in fact be the single most important active ingredient in this recipe for flourishing. When this ingredient is lacking, or in poor supply - people get stuck. They lose their freedom of choice. They become stagnant and painfully predictable. But when this ingredient is in ample supply - people take off. They become generative, creative, resilient, ripe with possibility and beautifully unpredictable.

Obviously, as we have emphasized over and over again in this 21 day project, “gratitude” is a feel-good emotion.

The more that you can consciously induce the emotional experience of “gratitude” the better off you will be - as far as health, relationships and business success.

In “Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier“, Robert Emmons Ph.D. even goes as far as to say,

“Happiness can add as much as nine years to one’s life expectancy. What about net worth? A longitudinal study of college students found that happiness levels in college predicted income sixteen years later. The most cheerful students earned $25,000 more per year than their most dour classmates.”

Hopefully, sharing this information today has served to reinforce your commitment to the 21-day gratitude practice.

So, in addition to your daily gratitude journaling, today we want to encourage you to also begin playing “The Appreciation Game.”

The Appreciation Game:

The Law of Attraction guarantees that we will draw toward us the energetic equivalent of what we are sending out. Today, make a game of finding positive aspects of the people, opportunities and events in your life. Begin the game by stating “What I like about _____ is….” and let your imagination run wild.

In the comments section below, write three elongated sentences that begin with the phrase: “What I like about _____ is….”

“Appreciate anything - even if it seems silly. Look around you for something to appreciate. Look at a lamp and appreciate Thomas Edison. Look at the carpet and be glad it’s not cement. Look at a chair and be happy you don’t have to sit on the floor all the time. Appreciate yourself for trying to appreciate. Anything can be appreciated.” — Doc Lew Childre

We’ll reveal more about the benefits of “appreciation” this week.

Appreciating you!

Elyse Hope Killoran
President,  Prosperity from the Inside-Out