Date Night Repentance

Recently my conscience has been bugging me over this post about weekly date night. I had to have a talk with my husband about it. I told him that I can't with integrity recommend something that I'm not doing myself. Luckily I am married to an extremely amazing man and he was fully supportive. So we made our own pledge to have a weekly date night. Here is what my version of the date night pledge looked like:


We, ______________________ and ______________________ pledge to have date night once a week. We have set ________________________ from ____________ to ____________ as our weekly date night. This will be our time to get to know each other better, create memories, learn and try new things, be creative and have some fun. We have set the following criteria for our date nights…

•  Can't do the same thing twice in one month.
•  We will rotate being in charge of date nights on a weekly basis.
•  No children allowed. The person in charge of planning also arranges the babysitter.
•  Make it a special event. Dress for the occasion. Mind the details. But keep it simple.
•  The person in charge of planning will aim to create a date the other person will love and enjoy. We will leave the me-monster behind on date night.
•  Talking about children, finances, jobs, ex-husband, or any other loaded/heavy topic is not allowed during date night.
•  If it isn't your turn to plan, your responsibility is to be ready to go at the appointed time and to bring a positive attitude. 
• If the person in charge of planning doesn't follow through and no date is planned, the other person will not nag or pout or complain, but is free to use date night time to do something they would enjoy doing while the person in charge of planning watches the children.

We pledge to support each other in this project for the benefit our relationship with each other.

_____________________________

_____________________________

I put in a lot more detail than I thought we needed because I wanted to create a version of the pledge that would address any problems ahead of time. I'm glad I did because after we discussed it and both agreed on it, the structure created a lot of safety and security. I think the guidelines also helped our date go more smoothly and kept the focus on our relationship. 

Unfortunately this isn't us. I forgot to take pictures :(

For our first date I decided to take charge in planning. Manly loves playing soccer, and it was a beautiful day today, so I planned a date at the park. We went to this awesome neighborhood park and Manly taught me a few basics about soccer and then we kicked a ball around. I also brought some kites, but the wind didn't cooperate with that. I brought a bottle of bubbles and a big bubble wand and we had a contest to see who could make the biggest bubbles. It was a little bit silly but lots of fun. We laughed a ton. After that we went to dinner at one of our favorite Thai restaurants. Neither of us were very hungry so we shared a plate. I asked Manly what he would rate the date on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being awful and 10 being best date ever (I am a wanna-be researcher) and he gave it an 8. I'd say that's pretty successful for a date that was planned in about 10 minutes. See, this doesn't have to be hard. We could have made this even cheaper by leaving out the dollar store items and eating at home or having a picnic at the park. It still would have been great.

Date:                  Playing at a park and Thai food for dinner

Manly's Rating:   8 - favorite part: kicking the soccer ball around

My Rating:         8 - I am not a soccer player, but it was so fun to be out in the sunshine playing with my                 

                          husband and I enjoyed kicking the soccer ball too. It wasn't too strenuous for a 

                          pregnant woman. Best part for me - I think Manly felt important and loved tonight.

Total Cost:         $24  ($3 for bubbles and kites, $9 eating out,  $12 babysitter)

      

Am I Assertive?

For today's post I am linking to another module from the Australian mental health website. This one takes a look at the differences between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication styles. Even though I have learned about this stuff already, I still learned more from this article. Plus it is always good to have reminders because it's easy to slip into passive or aggressive modes. Being assertive takes more effort and courage.

Here's the link: How to Recognize Assertive Behavior 

Assertiveness Training

I discovered a free website that teaches all about assertiveness. I've been searching for something like this because I think assertiveness is an important aspect of healthy living and because I think it is a skill most people need to work on.

The website I found is sponsored by the government of Australia. The assertiveness training they teach uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques to address faulty beliefs about being assertive and also goes into a lot of detail about what assertiveness is and how to be assertive in a variety of situations. I like a lot of what is in here. I am passing it on to my clients and decided to post a link here as well.

I will only post the link to one module so that it doesn't get overwhelming. There are something like nine modules and each one has about nine to thirteen pages. The one I am posting teaches foundational cognitive behavioral therapy skills to become more assertive. From there you are free to go back to the main site and explore the other modules. They are all pretty good.

How to Think More Assertively

Nurturing a Relationship in Crisis

During the early part of addiction recovery the focus is on healing from the trauma, stopping the addictive behavior, and rebuilding trust and hope. 

However, for a couple who are working to save the relationship, there must also be some emphasis on that relationship. 

Weekly date night, when both partners are ready for it, can be a great way to nurture and strengthen the relationship and rekindle the reasons you chose to be together in the first place and the reasons you are still together now. It can also aid in healing from the addiction for both partners.  

If you are in a stable place in your relationship, give yourself permission to take a once a week break from talking or thinking about the addiction or any other loaded issue and simply enjoy doing something together with your partner for a few hours. 

Here are some basic guidelines. 

• Have a specific night of the week designated as date night and do not skip it for anything.
• Take turns planning the dates. 
• When it is your turn to plan, try to think of something that will be enjoyable for your partner, not necessarily what you want to do. When it is your partner's turn to plan, he or she will have the goal of planning a date you will enjoy. Your focus when planning the date should be on your partner's interests and vice versa. 
• If you have children, the person in charge of planning also arranges the babysitter. If budget is an issue join or start a babysitting coop with friends. If you absolutely can not arrange for a babysitter, make other arrangements for the children, such as a movie in another room, so that you can spend some time with your partner as distraction free as possible. 
• If possible date night should be without children. 
• Talking about children, finances, problems, addiction, or any other heavy topic while on the date is not allowed. Date night should be stress-free recreational time together. 
• Have fun, be creative, and enjoy yourselves.

20 pocket change date ideas

Remember that it doesn't have to cost money. If you plan creatively there are lots of free or very inexpensive things you can do. 

Below are some great resources for planning and committing to weekly date nights.

Date Night Pledge from simplymodernmom.com

romance and date planning ideas:

http://www.thedatingdivas.com/

more date ideas for a variety of situations:

http://loveactually-blog.blogspot.com/p/ideas.html

Marriage Tip: The Jar Method

42 Date Night Ideas for the Date Night Challenged

Budget Date Night Ideas  - I love that these ideas are written by a man for men, but these are great ideas for women too.

There are tons more ideas online if you do a google search.

I've also included a link to a google document for creating your own date night ideas list. Click on this link and then rename it to create your own google document. Share it with your partner so they can add their ideas. The link below will take you to the spreadsheet where you can easily view all your responses or do any editing, but be sure to view the live form first. The live form is where you will be inputting your ideas. You can edit the form as well if you want to personalize it. Make sure you edit the address responses are sent to so that they go to your document and not the original. 

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Apc6_BIXNVf7dDFmVmhWcWdMaXhMQ1FYYVZ6cjExbkE#gid=0

Today I am Battling for My Heart

My sweet hubby just went to bed and as I sat here alone in the silence, I thought about my life. I spend a lot of my day absorbed in non-interactive work. I am writing stuff on my computer, I am cleaning, I am cooking, I am searching the internet, I am reading my emails. All of these activities give me an illusion of connection with other people, but in reality, they keep me away from the people I most want to connect with.

I was also thinking about what my life used to be like. It could be that I am only recalling the good, but I think I was more connected with other people. I remember when I got divorced, the hardest and most painful thing was how the divorce hurt my relationship with my children. Where we had a great, close relationship before, I now had these little tiny children saying to me, "Dad says the divorce is all your fault and that you are a liar and you are ruining all of our lives. I hate you," and other similarly poisonous daggers. I numbed a lot of that pain.

That must have been when I stopped connecting with people so much. The most intimate relationships of my life, the ones that should never be threatened in such a way, were crumbling before my eyes. Life, relationships and love felt too dangerous, vulnerable, and risky.

Well, it wasn't nearly as risky as isolating myself. With being vulnerable there is at least the possibility of connection. With isolation there is a guarantee of loneliness.

So today, starting right now, I am battling for my heart. I am going to face all the painful feelings with courage and honesty. I am going to fight hard to let myself be vulnerable. I am going to trust my own wisdom and my own judgment. I am going to be aware of when I am numbing out with illusions of connection. I am going to be compassionate. I am going to love with my whole heart.

Like this song: Brandon Heath - Don't Get Comfortable

The Rest of Your Life

Today's post is from http://www.spiritualriver.com/an-addiction-program-guide-for-rehabs-and-treatment-centers. Because it is written for addicts, some partners of addicts may dismiss this article. However, this applies to you too! I would love to come up with a list of ideas for how partners of addicts as well as addicts can strive for personal growth. If you have any ideas besides those listed please send them to me! 

"Recovery basically comes in two stages. Early recovery, and “the rest of your life.” Early recovery is a tough ride and you need lots of help and support to get through it. You have a ton of learning to do. Many people don’t ever make it to “long term sobriety.”

"But of those who do make it past the early stage of recovery, they still have to live clean and sober, day in and day out, for the rest of their lives. Traditional wisdom says that we should take this “a day at a time,” and I would not argue with that. It will always be a day at a time thing for those in recovery. But even so, many people in long term recovery end up relapsing eventually. But why?

"The answer is complacency. Just because you make it to one year clean and sober does not insure sobriety for the rest of your life. The statistics are actually quite frightening. Simply accumulating clean time does not insure that you will continue to stay sober forever.

"So what is the answer? The answer is personal growth. The answer is that you must overcome complacency in recovery by pushing yourself to grow as a person.

"In my opinion this is the main key point of any recovery program. This is the central pillar. If you are not growing as a person, then you are on dangerous ground. If you are not committed to personal growth, then you are slowly headed for relapse. If you are stagnant and not pushing yourself to grow in any way, then eventually complacency will set in and you will revert to what you know best: self medicating. . .

"Therefore, personal growth is 90 percent of recovery (the other part being made up of networking [or connecting] with other people).

"Now the question will inevitably arise: how should I pursue personal growth?

"The answer is in two parts:

"1) Pursue personal growth by pushing yourself to pursue better 
health, and to take better care of yourself (in mind, body, and spirit).

"And

"2) Pursue personal growth by using your unique strengths and talents to help others.

"We have already talked about how caring for yourself and pursing better health is important. Let’s take a look at the second point:

"Using your unique strengths and talents to help others

"In long term recovery, the “networking” part of recovery is replaced. Instead of asking for help and seeking guidance and direction from others in early recovery, now you are reaching out and extending your helping hand to others so that you can help them. This may be help in terms of addiction. . .  or it may be another form of help entirely. The point is that you find a way to do this that is unique to you.

"What is your gift to offer the world? What is it about you that makes you uniquely qualified to help others in some way? Find that lever and push it. Figure out how to leverage your talents to help others in a way that is meaningful to you.

"Note that this will not happen overnight. You will not be doing this during your first week of sobriety. This is something that should happen over time as you progress in long term recovery. This is an ideal that you want to be moving closer to in your life. Give it time in order to see how you can best serve the world. Try different things and experiment. Chair a [12 step] meeting. Sponsor someone in recovery. Take meetings into jails or rehab centers. Find a way to connect with others and see what works best for you. See what you are good at. Then, do it.

"Once you start using your unique talents to help others then you are really experiencing an awesome life in recovery. This is what you should strive for and how you should live your life. It is personal growth with a real purpose–you are not just trying to “be a better person,” you are essentially trying to become better so that you can help others. From a religious perspective, this is the height of trying to “do God’s will.” It is using power to help the world rather than just for personal gain. The awesome thing is that the world will pay you back a hundred-fold if you do this right, and you will grow stronger and stronger in your recovery."

Don't forget to send me your ideas!