Today I am Battling for My Heart

My sweet hubby just went to bed and as I sat here alone in the silence, I thought about my life. I spend a lot of my day absorbed in non-interactive work. I am writing stuff on my computer, I am cleaning, I am cooking, I am searching the internet, I am reading my emails. All of these activities give me an illusion of connection with other people, but in reality, they keep me away from the people I most want to connect with.

I was also thinking about what my life used to be like. It could be that I am only recalling the good, but I think I was more connected with other people. I remember when I got divorced, the hardest and most painful thing was how the divorce hurt my relationship with my children. Where we had a great, close relationship before, I now had these little tiny children saying to me, "Dad says the divorce is all your fault and that you are a liar and you are ruining all of our lives. I hate you," and other similarly poisonous daggers. I numbed a lot of that pain.

That must have been when I stopped connecting with people so much. The most intimate relationships of my life, the ones that should never be threatened in such a way, were crumbling before my eyes. Life, relationships and love felt too dangerous, vulnerable, and risky.

Well, it wasn't nearly as risky as isolating myself. With being vulnerable there is at least the possibility of connection. With isolation there is a guarantee of loneliness.

So today, starting right now, I am battling for my heart. I am going to face all the painful feelings with courage and honesty. I am going to fight hard to let myself be vulnerable. I am going to trust my own wisdom and my own judgment. I am going to be aware of when I am numbing out with illusions of connection. I am going to be compassionate. I am going to love with my whole heart.

Like this song: Brandon Heath - Don't Get Comfortable