Having a Sense of Direction

From Unlocking the Communication Puzzle by Dr. John R. Strong

Having a Sense of Direction

Making Progress by Brian Kershisnik
http://hawkinsonphotography.blogspot.com/2008/10/brian-kershisnik.html

Feeling loved and competent is not the same thing as feeling a sense of direction. Nicole is hands down the fastest checker in the market and her boss is warm and direct in his appreciation, but Nicole often feels dissatisfied. "Is this all there is?" she thinks. Does she want a raise? Does she want to take an exotic vacation? Does she want to go to law school? Does she want to become a nun and join Mother Theresa in Calcutta? Maybe she wants to get married and have five children.

In order to find fulfillment in this dimension, we need to feel that we have a purpose or special niche in life and that we are working toward accomplishing that purpose. We can assess the fulfillment in this area by seeing how well-defined and understood our purpose and vision for our life is. Goal-oriented choices and actions can give some level of fulfillment, but if we are focused solely on accomplishing goals we will be in trouble when we hit a roadblock in achieving the goal. Focusing instead on a purpose and a vision give us the ability to adjust and be flexible when we run into problems with a specific goal. 

While goals are a valuable and necessary part of having a sense of direction, we need to see goals as a process, not as a product. Having goals as a product means that we are not satisfied until the goal is completed and completion becomes the reward. (I will be happy when I get a raise.) Having goals as a process means that we are satisfied and appreciative of steps taken toward reaching the goal. (I am happy now, and I am enjoying the opportunities and challenges I am having as I work toward becoming an expert at my job.)

Gaining meaning in life can also come in spiritual ways - as we explore of the nature, origin and purpose of our existence. Meaningful harmony with the universe can be found through activity in an organized religious group, meditation, prayer, self-discipline, connecting with nature, thoughtful service to others, etc. Any number of activities can help us connect with a Higher Power, perceive our shared humanity, and give meaning and purpose to the cycle of birth and death. 

Do you have a strong sense of direction in your life? If not consider creating a written personal mission statement. Here is a link to a Franklin Covey website that will help you create your own mission statement. http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/  

Feeling Competent and Worthwhile

Being Competent and Worthwhile to Self and Others  

Part of having a strong identity is having our own standards of competence and meeting them. It's being able to make choices between different standards and still feel good about the results. Sometimes we blindly accept standards that our culture, the media, and other outside sources impose on us without thinking through those standards to see if they are realistic and fit our mission in life. For example, women may have unrealistic expectations of being thin, beautiful, managing their lives to perfection, and being everything to everyone; men may have unrealistic expectations of earning lots of money, having an impressive career, having the perfect wife and family, and never letting anyone see their weaknesses. When we try to live up to unrealistic expectations, or expect others to do so, we are naturally going to suffer. It can be eye opening and helpful to become aware of exactly what we expect of ourselves or our partner. One way to do this is to write out all the expectations we have for ourselves and those close to us. Making a list like this can help us see where our expectations are unrealistic or unnecessary so that we can make adjustments. 

From Victor M. Harris at http://strongermarriage.org/htm/dating/needs: 

 One of the great ways we can avoid the devastating effects of having a counterfeit or destructive relationship with ourselves is by getting rid of all the conditions we place upon ourselves, such as: I won't feel like I belong unless I'm popular, or make the football team, or become a cheerleader, or have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe we will refuse to feel worthwhile unless we get an A on a test, or get a raise at work, or wear the nicest clothes, or have the prettiest hair (in my case it is having any hair at all that concerns me). Maybe we want the nicest car or the greatest job before we will allow ourselves to feel worthwhile. These are all mind traps and we must stop them by consciously not allowing ourselves to think in this way 

As Brene Brown says, we are worthy of love and belonging NOW. Not if. Not when. 

Unclear or unrealistic expectations will also lead to lower fulfillment. Have you ever had a job where you weren't really sure what was expected of you? Lack of communication in a relationship about expectations and desires will result in random fulfillment at best.  Communication can help both of you recognize and make clear what your expectations for yourselves and each other are. As you discuss this, being sensitive to your own and your partner's social, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual capacities is important.

However, even when our expectations are clear we inevitably fail to meet all standards. A real test of our identity is how we handle failure. Can we improve in order to meet someone else's standard? Can we revise the standard if it's unrealistic? Can we deal with the failure without being jeopardized by it? In order to do this we may need to practice feeling healthy guilt without letting it turn into unhealthy shame.

Each of us has memories of experiences where we haven't lived up to our standards. If we cannot accept those memories, we spend a lot of energy keeping them pushed down out of our minds, but they're always ready to bob up again to compound a feeling of failure. To keep our sense of self-worth high, we need to be able to change and deal with the past memory through appropriate action such as talking it over with a trusted friend, having compassion and understanding for ourselves, or surrendering the failure to a Higher Power. Then we must redirect our energy into a more effective channel.

Dimensions of Being Part 1 - Loving and Being Loved

Today's post is from Unlocking the Communication Puzzle by John R. Strong.

Dr. Strong has identified seven dimensions of being, although there are more that could be listed and there is some overlap among the seven listed. All dimensions of being require effort and nurturing for us to feel healthy and whole. 

1. Loving and being loved
2. Being competent and worthwhile to self and others
3. Sense of direction and purpose
4. Self control
5. Open communication
6. Rightfulness of fit
7. Joy through service

If these needs are not met very successfully, they challenge our very identity and every interaction can feel threatening rather than affirming. In such a situation, our energy goes to defending ourselves. When our needs are unmet we will often resort to unhealthy behavior such as withdrawing or isolating, numbing our feelings, overcompensating, becoming critical or irritable, attacking others, or any number of other unhealthy behaviors. On the other hand, when we feel high fulfillment in all of these areas, our identities are strong and resilient and we can experience a great deal of frustration and pressure without being defensive.

Today we will look more in-depth at the first dimension listed and over the next several posts we will explore each of these dimensions individually. As we learn about each dimension, consider where you would rate your fulfillment in this area. Then come up with several ideas of what you could do (not what your partner could do) to improve your own level of fulfillment. 

Loving and Being Loved

We feel loved when we feel cherished and prized for who we are and we feel a sense of belonging in a relationship. Sidney Jourard defined love "not so much as an emotion as freely expressed behavior, undertaken with the aim of fostering happiness and growth in the person loved." This requires understanding our own and our partner's vision of growth and happiness. Our actions, including our communication, send messages about the degree and direction of our caring. 

When we show loving actions toward others in a healthy way, it also nurtures our own identity and level of fulfillment. Remember that romantic gestures are only part of loving and being loved. Firm boundaries can sometimes be the most loving action. 

Feeling loved stabilizes our identity. We feel a sense of security, that we belong, that it's okay to be us. It's alright to have many casual friendships, but it takes time and intensity to build a high level of fulfillment. Loving and being loved are active processes, not just emotions. At each level of the relationship, we must understand, accept, and nurture each other. Despite ups and downs, we can establish a pattern of long-term commitment that is fulfilling to both people in the relationship.

Some action ideas to improve your level of fulfillment in this area are commit to and hold a weekly date night, plan monthly surprises for your partner, schedule a time each day when you and your partner can check in with each other, spend time listening passionately to your partner with the goal of understanding his or her vision of growth and happiness, etc.           

Learning to Listen to Ourselves

Today's post is adapted from Unlocking the Communication Puzzle by John R. Strong.

As human beings, we a variety of needs that we seek to meet throughout our lives. We have a need to both nurture and be nurtured. We have intense emotional needs that show up in our closest relationships. We have social needs that can be satisfied with group activities. We have spiritual needs that often find fulfillment as we discover an ultimate meaning and purpose in the universe and a connection to things greater than ourselves. 

Understanding ourselves is extremely important in identifying our unmet needs and recognizing our (often misguided) attempts to meet those needs. If you are like me, we all need a better way to learn to understand ourselves - especially to tune into our feelings. We are so busy doing things that we don't take time to listen to ourselves and to learn to appreciate our inner world. 

Sometimes it is helpful to refer to a list of adjectives such as loving, angry, joyful, kind, submissive, defiant, warm, melancholy, etc., to describe what we are feeling. The more we do this type of exercise the quicker we can get in touch with our feelings. Listening to ourselves is a skill we can develop. 

Other ways to learn to listen to ourselves are: 

• writing in a journal 
• reading from autobiographies or short stories that help us recognize our own feelings and experiences more clearly 
• list one or two emotional experiences and then recognize how they came about (each of us has several experiences each day that we could use to practice this)
• describe how we would like to feel in various situations we anticipate being in each day
• describe how we wished we would have felt in situations that we experienced
• imagine ourselves in various situations. Ask yourself "How would I feel if. . ." 
• one of the most important ways of listening to ourselves is finding someone to share our stories with who is worthy of hearing them and who will listen with empathy, wholeheartedly, and without judgment

One other way of learning to listen to ourselves is to rate our levels of satisfaction or fulfillment in areas called dimensions of being, which we will discuss tomorrow. It is far better to recognize a lack of fulfillment than it is to try to ignore it or to pretend we feel something we don't. If we aren't aware what is happening in our inner world, we can't work with it. For today, try out one of the above methods. In addition to that, practice checking in with your feelings throughout the day.

Here are a few links to websites that have lists of adjectives you can choose from to describe your feelings:

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/feelings.html

http://www.sba.pdx.edu/faculty/mblake/448/FeelingsList.pdf

What Self-Care is and Isn't

As a follow up to yesterday's post about self-care, here is some more specific info about the difference between self-care and self-indulgence. The writing below comes directly from this article at psychologytoday.com and is written by Christine Mienecke author of Everybody Marries the Wrong Person. 

What self-care is

While an enhanced regimen of self-care may sound like a good idea, most people are fuzzy on what self-care is and how to practice it.  Medical and mental health professionals pioneered the concept of self-care by prescribing healthy lifestyle changes and stress management behaviors.  Unfortunately, these prescriptions are often ignored because they require hard work and perseverance.  

During the 1980s, the term self-care became popularized.  It is now common to hear talk (especially among women) about needing to take better care of oneself.  Consequently, it became irresistibly profitable for advertisers to perpetuate the fantasy that self-care can be easy.  As a result of the self-care marketing blitz, many of us think that getting pedicures, choosing hand-dipped dark chocolates, and buying 10,000-thread count bed linens equal self-care.  

What self-care is not

Self-care is not self-pampering - not that there's anything wrong with self-pampering - pedicures, dark chocolates, and other luxuries.  That is, as long as you can afford luxuries.  Spending money that you don't have is self-indulgence.  

   

Self-care is not self-indulgence.  Popularly, the terms self-care and self-indulgence are used interchangeably, as in "Oh, go ahead, indulge.  You deserve it."  We tell ourselves that we are practicingself-care when, in fact, we are engaging in self-indulgence.  Self-indulgence is characterized by avoidance of the effortful and substitution of quick and easy antidotes.  We tell ourselves that the stresses of the day have drained our energy and that vegging on the sofa with a quart of ice cream or a six-pack of beer is all we can expect of ourselves.  Rather than shouldering the hard work of self-care, we settle for temporary and largely symbolic fixes - some of which actually stress our systems further.

How to practice self-care

Self-care means choosing behaviors that balance the effects of emotional and physical stressors: exercising, eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep, practicing yoga or meditation or relaxation techniques, abstaining from substance abuse, pursuing creative outlets, engaging in psychotherapy.  Also essential toself-care is learning to self-soothe or calm our physical and emotional distress. Remember your mother teaching you to blow on the scrape on your knee?  This was an early lesson in self-soothing but the majority of adults haven't the foggiest notion how to constructively soothe themselves.

A common mistake in romantic relationships is depending on a partner to soothe our pain.  Most of us get married, in part, because we want someone other than mother to calm our fears and offer us band-aids.  Of course, it is never a mistake to seek comfort in the sweet embrace or wise words of a spouse.  The mistake is believing that a spouse is obligated to be an open tap of emotional support.  It is also not a spouse's role to teach us how to self-soothe.  We must learn this skill on our own. 

Self Care Ideas

Good self care is so important in any person's life, but especially someone going through a crisis or trying to recover from trauma or addiction. I've compiled a list of self care ideas and separated them (loosely) into Mental/Emotional, Physical, and Spiritual categories. There is lots of overlap between these, but it's a starting point. 

Self Care Ideas

Ideas taken from Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, How Partners can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means and from http://www.lifecoachbynature.com/wellness-resources/resources-for-living/healthy-spirit/262-feed-your-spirit-self-care-ideas.html and http://www.lawc.on.ca/ResourceSelfCare.htm and http://www.balancedweightmanagement.com/Bob's%20Ideas%20for%20Self-Nurturing.pdf

Mental/Emotional	Physical	Spiritual
Give yourself time-outs for the stress	Pamper yourself	Develop meditation and other spiritual exercises
Say “no” when you need or want to	Do soothing, relaxing activities regularly	Read books or writings that provide wisdom and comfort
Continue a routine as much as you are able	Move your body in ways that feel good to you	Listen to music that comforts your mind and soul
Spend some time with people who love you	Get enough sleep; nothing can deteriorate you faster than lack of sleep.	Watch movies that show how others have faced difficult circumstances
Talk about your feelings with safe people	Undertake some exercise daily, both to care for yourself and as a release valve for the stress created by the trauma	Consider adding spiritual practices with other people for the benefit that “fellowship” can build into your life
Don’t take responsibility for the other partner’s behavior, no matter what that partner says	Get a massage to calm and soothe yourself	Attend a church service
Don’t make major life decisions in the midst of the emotional upheaval	Eat a healthy diet by avoiding junk food, alcohol and caffeine	Visit a nursing home or shut-in
Care for yourself the way you would care for a friend who had been deeply hurt.	(check out http://mayoclinic.com/health/meditation/MM00623 for a guided relaxation video)	Play calming music while visualizing a peaceful nature scene
Read about sexual addiction so that you understand it enough to make wise decisions	Dance	Spend time with people/children/animals
Do things that season your life with “fun”, even if they don’t feel as good as they normally do.	Participate in group sports	Spend time in nature
Organize your closets, kitchen, photos, etc	Go biking	Spend time with people who are affirming, optimistic and nurturing.
Journal	Take a bubble bath	Take at least thirty minutes alone time per day.
Do deep breathing exercises.	Go swimming	Image and visualize - concentrate on a comforting scene.
Get a therapeutic massage.	Go hiking	Keep a gratitude journal
Treat yourself to a new body cream/lotion.	Clean	Find a special, quiet place and make it your own.
Wear your favorite, comfortable clothing.	Cook or bake	Notice your strengths.
Do an activity with friends	Exercise.	Realize that wherever you are today is the place to start.
Watch an uplifting movie	Soak feet in special foot soap (Johnson's, Scholl's).	Share happiness with someone else.
Attend a play	Join a yoga or stretching class weekly.	Nurture a loving atmosphere in your home.
Play or learn to play a musical instrument	Take a nap.	Just sit and listen to music that makes you feel good.
Read especially uplifting books or magazines	Take a long walk.	Plant a garden, pick fresh flowers or buy a small bouquet.
Save notes and letters that are complementary. Read them often.	Play/work outdoors (skiing, rollerblading, walking, barbecueing).	Take the time to write in a journal.
Rent a comedy video.	Learn new skills.	Enjoy time with children.
Light candles; buy fragrant candles.	Engage in a new hobby.	Tell someone you care about them
Puzzles, clay or silly putty.	Write down self-positive adjectives.	Look at the stars
Plan a vacation - call a travel agent.	Notice and appreciate humor.	Help out a stranger
Bring comforting photos to work (loved ones, vacations).	Order a pizza.	Forgive yourself
Plan ahead - schedule medical and dental appointments.	Take a break.	Encourage someone
Sit under the glow of a warm fireplace.	Eat healthy snacks, watch nutrition; take vitamins.	Reflect on your successes, finish the sentence “I can. . .”
Allow yourself to discover new things about "you.	Nourish your body with healthful warming soups.	Forgive a wrong
Add new elements that you want to include in your life	Dance all by yourself to really loud, fun music.	Tell yourself the loving words you want to hear from others
Be creative....sing, dance, paint or write.	Prepare yourself a good home-cooked meal.	Close your eyes and listen
Do something you've never done before.	Do a crossword.	Be in the present moment
Draw, paint or just color in a child's coloring book.	Spend an afternoon at the library or bookstore and read for free.	Create a collage representing your authentic self
Talk on the phone to friends or not answering the phone at all.	Enjoy a manicure or pedicure - share the experience with a friend.	Relax, watch the clouds
Laugh from the belly.	Do something adventurous	Watch the sunrise or sunset
Put a positive word on your water bottle	Sing in the shower	Reflect on what you value most
Contact an old friend	Go feed ducks or birds	Visualize yourself achieving your goals
Discard something you don’t like	Collect wildflowers and make a bouquet	Share a compliment
Return something borrowed	Drink plenty of water	Practice feeling awe for life
Visit a museum or art gallery	Sip a cup of herbal tea	Write a thank you note to someone
	Work out with weights
	Go horseback riding
Add your own ideas :

Recovery Plan

I found a good website today that talks a lot about recovery from addiction, specifically sex addiction. Here is a link to the home page: healthymind.com.

There is an interview with the author/psychologist on that page. There are also some other good pages to check out from that website. One that I specifically liked is the recovery/relapse prevention plan. I have looked all over for a good, concise guideline like this that addresses how to do a recovery/treatment plan and I like this one pretty well, although I think it has a few things missing. Some day I'm going to write up my own guideline.

I also liked the links on mindfulness. Good stuff. The link for that is right at the top of the website on any page. It's called Mindful Living. I'm still exploring links from that one. I love recovery reading! Enjoy!