Dr. Strong has identified seven dimensions of being, although there are more that could be listed and there is some overlap among the seven listed. All dimensions of being require effort and nurturing for us to feel healthy and whole.
- Loving and being loved
- Being competent and worthwhile to self and others
- Sense of direction and purpose
- Self control
- Open communication
- Rightfulness of fit
- Joy through service
If these needs are not met very successfully, they challenge our very identity and every interaction can feel threatening rather than affirming. In such a situation, our energy goes to defending ourselves. When our needs are unmet we will often resort to unhealthy behavior such as withdrawing or isolating, numbing our feelings, overcompensating, becoming critical or irritable, attacking others, or any number of other unhealthy behaviors. On the other hand, when we feel high fulfillment in all of these areas, our identities are strong and resilient and we can experience a great deal of frustration and pressure without being defensive.
Today we will look more in-depth at the first dimension listed and over the next several posts we will explore each of these dimensions individually. As we learn about each dimension, consider where you would rate your fulfillment in this area. Then come up with several ideas of what you could do (not what your partner could do) to improve your own level of fulfillment.
Loving and Being Loved
We feel loved when we feel cherished and prized for who we are and we feel a sense of belonging in a relationship. Sidney Jourard defined love "not so much as an emotion as freely expressed behavior, undertaken with the aim of fostering happiness and growth in the person loved." This requires understanding our own and our partner's vision of growth and happiness. Our actions, including our communication, send messages about the degree and direction of our caring.
When we show loving actions toward others in a healthy way, it also nurtures our own identity and level of fulfillment. Remember that romantic gestures are only part of loving and being loved. Firm boundaries can sometimes be the most loving action.
Feeling loved stabilizes our identity. We feel a sense of security, that we belong, that it's okay to be us. It's alright to have many casual friendships, but it takes time and intensity to build a high level of fulfillment. Loving and being loved are active processes, not just emotions. At each level of the relationship, we must understand, accept, and nurture each other. Despite ups and downs, we can establish a pattern of long-term commitment that is fulfilling to both people in the relationship.
Some action ideas to improve your level of fulfillment in this area are commit to and hold a weekly date night, plan monthly surprises for your partner, schedule a time each day when you and your partner can check in with each other, spend time listening passionately to your partner with the goal of understanding his or her vision of growth and happiness, etc.
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