Improving Self Control

From Unlocking the Communication Puzzle by Dr. John R. Strong

Having a Sense of Self Control

This element of our identity develops as we interact in responsible ways, make choices about how we will respond to situations over which we have little control, and take responsibility for our impact on others. Having a sense of self control is associated with feelings of self-respect, self-esteem and responsibility for personal choices. The more an individual focuses on what others are doing for or to his or her personal welfare the less he or she experiences self control. When we are in the drama triangle we will automatically feel low self control. No one can take away our self control; however, when we feel low fulfillment in this area, often we have given our power away. To increase fulfillment in this area we should focus on personal choices we can make. Choices that serve oneself, without harming someone else, will increase fulfillment. 

Let's go back to the example from yesterday about Nicole, the grocery store checker. Although Nicole was very competent and appreciated in her job, she decided that she had to do something different or be paralyzed by her growing sense of incompleteness. She took a battery of vocational aptitude tests and explored several different professions before choosing to learn carpentry. She now builds fine furniture and feels deeply satisfied with her job. She looks back on the experience with a sense of awe that she was brave enough to "get out of my rut." Her exhilaration is still apparent as she speaks of "taking charge of my life." Part of the battle, she admits, was "to stop worrying about what other people would think. I had to stop worrying about making my boss angry by quitting. I had to stop worrying about my mother being embarrassed at having a daughter who was a carpenter. I had to stop worrying about whether men would like me if I was competing with them in one of their professions." In these ways, Nicole was taking responsibility for her own thoughts and actions and letting her boss's, her mother's, and her dates' feelings be their own responsibility.

Of course other people do influence us. But we can only be responsible for our own thoughts and actions. Nicole could not control how her mother felt about her. She could only choose between doing what was best for herself or trying to please her mother. We cannot control someone else's thoughts or feelings although we may help them process those thoughts and feelings. 

For our own sense of self control, we may sometimes need to respect the "right" of others to suffer. That's all part of separating our responsibility from others'.

See how you can apply this principle to recovery work. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is one example of increasing your self-control. Practicing healthy self-care is another example. There are many other things in recovery that can improve your sense of self control. Try to think of a few things you can do today to increase your fulfillment in this area. Notice how you feel after implementing some of these. It is normal to feel uncomfortable at first, just like in learning any new skill, but the feelings of empowerment are worth it.